News

Shagwater Peninsula Gets Full Time Mountie

by Wilson Wrightwrub, Publisher/Editor, Dirt Cove Press

The long arm of the law is moving within arms' reach of the Shagwater Peninsula, an RCMP spokesman confirmed on Friday. "We've been receiving so many calls concerning Dirt Cove and the surrounding areas that the Department figured they'd save on gas by putting someone down there full time," Sergeant T. Clarke said in a phone interview from the Clarenville Tim Hortons. "We've had reports of everything from poaching to kidnapping to smuggling contraband liquor and cigarettes. Something is going on down there and the RCMP is gonna get to the bottom of it."

Mounties assign top man
A one-man contingent of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police will temporarily make his new home in the abandoned school in Dirt Cove. Constable Edward Brocklehurst will be patrolling Dirt Cove, Upper Lower Cove, and Knobby Harbour in addition to his regular duties of accompanying Constable CARES the Safety Robot to schools throughout the island portion of the province. This is his first non-administrative assignment.

Mountie to travel in vehicle
Constable Brocklehurst is patroling the backroads and cowpaths of our quaint community in style. He has been assigned a year 2000 model Chevy Millenium. The vehicle is worth an estimated $50,000 with an additional $5,000 worth of stickers. "I put them on myself", said Constable Brocklehurst. "It was some hard -- I almost ran out of spit."

Will wear disguise
"Primarily I'm interested in stopping all the illegal booze that's been coming through this area," Constable Brocklehurst said today while polishing his partner. "I'm going to pose as somebody that's looking to buy cheap booze and smokes for a new club that's opening in St. John's, right? And I'm going to have on a fake beard and everything so no one will know it's me. Anyway, I'll be asking around and waving a lot of cash around and I hope that the perp will reveal himself that way. I think it's a pretty good plan. What do you think? You didn't write that down did ya? Oh. I didn't think that was on the record ... Can we start over because I'll get in s**t if they hear I told you that. Come on, b'y. I'll give ya some of the cash they give me to buy the booze with, here, luh ... Now what are you writing? Oh, f**k. Let me see your scribbler, buddy. Come off it! I don't like you no more."

Streets of dirt cove once again safe
"The streets of Dirt Cove are safe again, thanks to the RCMP," said an RCMP spokesperson.

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